Jesse: No, I don't-
Jesse's Girlfriend: It's your birthday!
Jesse: I don't wanna turn 23. I feel like I'm 12 right now, so that's nice.
Jesse's Girlfriend: Well, what do you think is, what do you think you got?
Jesse: Well, you already got me something, why is there a pink-
Jesse's Girlfriend: I did, this is from..
Jesse: That's not from you?
Jesse's Girlfriend: No.
Jesse: Corn, did you get me a pingball?
Corn: (laughs behind the camera)
Jesse's Girlfriend: It's obviously him.
Jesse: Is that cake done, yet, Mom?
Theresa: Here it comes!
(Theresa comes out from the kitchen holding a birthday cake, which only has five candles.)
Jesse: Why is there only five candles?
Theresa: It's a 2, and a 3, for 23.
Jesse: They didn't have the uhh, big number ones?
Jesse's Girlfriend: I'm sorry, I tried really hard! I'm sorry.
Theresa: I think it's beautiful.
Jesse: Where the fuck is Dad?
Theresa: Jeff! We're gonna sing!
(Jeff Sr. doesn't respond.)
Jeffrey: Dad, come on!
Jeff Sr.: (walks out from bedroom) I'm coming! The stinkin' games are on.
Jesse: Alright, let's get it over with.
Theresa: Alright, but it's your son's birthday. We're gonna sing.
Jeff Sr.: I know, I thought we were gonna do it on his birthday!
Theresa: Could you dim the lights?
Jesse: (to Jeff Sr.) Yeah, I told you earlier we were celebrating today.
Jeff Sr.: Whatever.
(Jeff Sr. dims the lights.)
Jesse: Are you guys actually singing right now?
Everyone except Jesse: Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Jesse, happy birthday to you.
(Jesse blows out the candles. Everyone claps their hands.)
Jesse's Girlfriend: Yay!
Jeffrey: Great, now mono's on the cake.
Theresa: Did you make a wish?
Jesse: I did, I did.
(Jeff Sr. turns the lights back on.)
Jeff Sr.: What'd you wish for? Lights? A new home?
Jesse: I wished Jeffrey would grow the fuck up.
Jeff Sr.: You guys need to leave each other alone.
Jesse: I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna do gifts instead of cake. I'm gonna open them first.
Theresa: That sounds good.
Jesse: Alright, you could probably get stuff, like, ready while I'm doing this?
(Theresa walks toward the kitchen.)
Jesse: You know what? Corn did this one. (Jesse grabs an oddly shaped gift) You can tell by the- you can tell by the wrapping. This is like fucking recycled paper, too.
Corn: I don't claim to be a, uh, professional gift wrapper, all right? (laughs)
Jesse: It's not even birthday themed, he totally just found something lying around at Walmart at like, two in the morning, last night.
Jesse: Look at that. What is this? Is this a trashbag? Or a basket?
(Jesse unwraps the paper and sees what's in it. Corn laughs.)
Jesse: Fucking ass.
Jesse's Girlfriend: What is it?
Jesse: He got me ping pong balls. The same shit he gives me every year! It's the gift that keeps on giving.
Jesse: One star.
Corn: Aww. This is all I had.
Jesse: (??) Not actually recently. Because of my spleen.
Jeffrey: Your spleen, your spleen...
Jesse: Yeah, actually.
Jesse: Alright, so you actually gave me this?
Jeffrey: I did.
Jesse: Are you serious?
Jeffrey: I didn't know what your favorite store was, so I..
Jesse: Victoria's Secret? Funny.
Jesse: Lets see what you got me. What the FUCK? (revealed to be dog poop) WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? (Jeffrey starts laughing)
Jeffrey: It's literally fucking shit!
(Jeffrey laughs more)
Jeff Sr.: Why would you give him shit?! Seriously!
Jesse: There's a piece of dog shit on the dining room table!
Jeff Sr.: Why would you do it?!
(Theresa comes with a paper towel and cleans up the poop)
Jeffrey: There's a gift bag and you just put your hand in it?
Jesse: There's a gift bag! I assumed there was actually fucking gifts inside!
Jesse: Mom, can I get a fucking napkin or something?
Jeffrey: Well Jesse, I knew how much you loved the outside, and you wanted to give back to nature.
(Jesse throws the paper towel at Jeffrey)
Jeff Sr.: Why would you put it on the dinner table?
Jesse: I thought it was -- Oh wait, it's on him.
Jeff Sr.: Yeah!
Jesse: Mom, I need like a wipe or something!
Jeff Sr.: You need a disinfectant!
Jesse's Girlfriend: Oh my god, that's awful.
Jesse: It's alright. Just give me that. I don't want this stuff to ruin my birthday. You're trying to ruin my- (Jesse grabs another gift).
Jesse: Is this from you?
Theresa: Yes it is!
Jesse: Well, do you want to be here while I open it?
Theresa: Yeah, just let me give you one.
Jeff Sr.: Go down here and pick up this shit, would ya?
Jeffrey: Alright, alright.
(Jesse throws the wipe at Jeffrey)
Theresa: It landed here, right?
Jeff Sr.: It's all over the place!
(Jesse opens the gift and laughs in excitement)
Jesse: Good shit!
Jesse's Girlfriend: Aw, Mario Kart!
Jesse: Remember when I used to have this?
Jeff Sr.: Why would you get him that?
Jesse: It's not from both of you guys?
Theresa: Because it's his birthday, it's a present!
Jeff Sr.: It doesn't matter! We've had all these issues over the years and you get him this?!
Jesse: I actually had this but you broke the other one!
Jeff Sr.: Right!
Jesse: So it's actually replacing the other one--
Jeff Sr.: So why'd you get it again?!
Theresa: Because you ruined his! What do you mean why'd I get it again?
Jeff Sr.: I can't believe this.
Jeff Sr.: Why didn't you check with me?
Theresa: I don't have to check with you!
Jeff Sr.: You should!
Theresa: Come on, it's his birthday!
Jesse: So wait, let me get this straight, so you- so you didn't get anything?
Jeff Sr.: No! This is from both of us, I thought, but I guess not!
Jesse: Why- Why didn't- I'm not trying to make a scene, I'm not trying to risk losing the house or anything, but like, why the fuck didn't you get me anything for my birthday?
Jeff Sr.: You know what we've been through! Your back in the house, that was enough!
Jeffrey: You're doing this for a new spleen.
Jeff Sr.: JT, let go. Seriously.
Jeffrey: I, I'm sorry, I let go. I'm good!
Jeff Sr.: I can't believe it.
Theresa: Well, believe it!
Jesse: (to Corn) Wanna try to play some Mario Kart tonight?
Corn: Of course!
Jeff Sr.: We have every other console in here! Why do you need to get him another one?
Jesse: I don't have this one, because you fucking broke it!
Jeff Sr.: We don't need this one!
Jesse: It was the same time you kicked me out of the house!
Jeff Sr.: Keep pushing it and you'll be out again!
(Jesse pauses for a second, listening to what Jeff Sr. just said to him.)
Jesse: Really? For my fucking birthday?
Theresa: This is his birthday! Can you please tone it down for a bit?!
Jeff Sr.: (sarcastically) Oh, I'm trying.
Jeffrey: Watch out, there might be shit-- Jesse!
Jesse: You didn't even get me anything either, so shut the fuck up!
Jeffrey: It's not your birthday.
Jeff Sr.: Leave him alone!
Jesse: I'm not trying, I'm not trying-
Jeff Sr.: I can't believe it! Seri- (groans in exasperation)
(Jesse unwraps the GamePad.)
Jesse: Do you know if I'm able to sync the old GamePad-
Jeff Sr.: And there's a COMPUTER WITH IT TOO?!
Jesse: It's not - What the fuck are you talking about, computer? It's a-
Jeff Sr.: What's that?!
Jesse: It's a GamePad, and it's a fucking console! That's it! Why do you even care?
Theresa: Just let it be!
Jeff Sr.: NO! It's not! It's ridiculous! It's ridiculous!
(Jeff Sr. picks up the Wii U.)
Jesse: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! DAD!
(Jesse knocks the ping pong balls off the tables and trips over them)
Jesse: FUCK! SHIT! Dad, what the f**k are you--
(Jeff Sr. throws the Wii U at the glass door)
Jesse: SHIT! DAAAD!
Jeff Sr.: You made me throw at this stinking window!
Jesse: I JUST GOT THAT FOR MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!! DAD!!
(Jeff Sr. throws the Wii U at a tree, breaking the console.)
Jesse: HOLY SHIT!
Theresa: Oh. My. God!
Jeff Sr.: You've got enough games!
Jesse: I'm fucking done, I'm fucking done.
Theresa: You're a-- You're an idiot! Why would you do that?! That doesn't make any sense!
Jeff Sr.: Why didn't it make any sense?
Jesse: (sarcastically) I can just buy a new one!
Theresa: Just- Just think about it! What do you mean we should have-
Jeff Sr.: He's got enough consoles! He doesn't need another one-
(Jesse picks up the birthday cake and throws it at Jeff Sr., getting some frosting on his arm and shirt)
Jesse: FUCK YOU!
Jeff Sr.: Oh!
Jesse: FUCK YOU!
Jeff Sr.: That's lovely! Yeah!
Jesse: I can't fucking do this. I get cake all over my fucking hands.
(Jesse throws box at Jeffrey and Jeffrey throws a ping ball at Jesse.)
Jeff Sr.: Stinkin' lovely, isn't it!
Theresa: You deserve it!
Jeff Sr.: (to Jesse) Keep going! Keep going!
(Jesse walks outside)
Jeffrey: Jesse! Jesse you forgot -- you forgot your gift!
Jesse: I don't want your bag of fucking shit, dude!
(Jesse throws the bag at Jeffrey and Jeffrey runs back into the house)
Jesse: Get back in the fucking house where you belong, with dad!
(Jesse picks up the Wii U to inspect the damage)
Jesse: (yelling at dogs barking at him) SHUT UP!!!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
(Jesse looks extremely angry, and in a fit of blind rage, throws the Wii U at the glass door)
Jesse: FUCKING SHIT! PIECE OF SHIT!
(Jesse throws the Wii U at the glass door again)
Jesse: How about I BUST DOWN YOUR FUCKING DOOR, HUH?
Jesse: I'LL BUST DOWN YOUR FUCKING DOOR!
(Jesse throws the Wii U at the glass door again, this time smashing it to pieces)
Jesse: FUCK!!! YOU!!!!!!!
(Jeffrey comes to see what the noise was)
Jesse: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!!!
Jeffrey: You broke the fucking door?!
Jesse: 'CAUSE MY DOOR GOT BROKEN TOO!
Jeffrey: Are you fucking kidding me?!
(Jesse's Girlfriend cuddles Jesse)
Jesse: (starts regretting what he did) Fucking.. Oh fuck. Fuck.
Jeffrey: What the fuck did you do?
Jesse's Girlfriend: Are you bleeding?
Jesse: Yeah. Fuck..
Jesse's Girlfriend: Jesse, you're bleeding..
Jesse: We gotta go. We gotta go back to your house, dude.
Jesse: *Jesse's Girlfriend*, you gotta come too. (Jesse steps on a piece of glass). Ow, fuck!